Forever Lazy Will Forever Ruin Your Social Life

America, we have been lied to.

As far back as I can remember, our friends, our parents, and Linus from the Peanuts comics have told us that blankets were our friends. That blankets would provide comfort, warmth and protection—acting as a baby's sense of security, or an adult's escape from the cold.

But in 2008, a product known as the Snuggie hit the market and exposed blankets for what they really are -- large cloth barriers to productivity. In the three years since its inception, it has become clear to us, the American people, that unless our fleece blankets have sleeves (or, you know, we wear our bathrobes backwards,) regular blankets will continue to stifle our ability to knit, change the channel, or hold a baby without chilling our arms.

I'm sorry, but that kind of inconvenience is just plainly unacceptable.

So I bet you feel safe now, huh? You've gone out and bought a Snuggie and thrown away that old blanket or tricked a homeless guy into thinking you were doing him a favor…but picture this.

You're on your couch in your Snuggie, knitting your cat a bonnet and turning up the newest episode of Dr. Phil (he's got Kanye West sitting quietly through Taylor Swift music videos—it's a can't miss!)—when suddenly you get a pang in your stomach. You're hungry.

What can you do at this point? Well you could get up and go to the fridge, but then your legs, and your backside would get cold—your Snuggie can only do so much.

Welcome to the new age of blanket-alternative warmth ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Forever Lazy!

The Forever Lazy, as its ads so proudly proclaim, takes the backwards robe concept of the Snuggie and combines it with the utter brilliance of Pajama Jeans (yeah, they exist), adding in a hood for an even stronger socially destroying experience. Think of it as a hoodie and sweatpants, sewn together into an adult-size "onesie" without the little footies or glove-enclosed sleeves—and it comes in four different colors!

No longer, America do you need to worry about how to warm your entire body on those lonely nights when even your parents seem to be "too busy." No longer need you worry about what to wear on those days when getting dressed for class is a burden and it's only 12 degrees out—on laundry day.

No longer need you let society tell you that blankets are only for the inside of your house and for picnics.

As the ads for the Forever Lazy show, you can wear their product nearly anywhere. You can wear it while eating your roommate's food, bothering the dog, ignoring your kids or embracing its name fully and doing nothing at all!

You can even set fashion trends by wearing one to your next wine-tasting, tailgate party or even to a sports game itself!

Now you may be asking, "if I wear the Forever Lazy out of my house, what happens if I have to go to the bathroom? Don't I have to take it off, leaving me naked?"

Well, believe it or not America, the people behind the Forever Lazy have even thought of this, leaving un-zippable hatches in both the front and back, allowing you to laugh confidently at those cold fools who actually have to remove their pants to use the restroom.

In fact, while you're at it, why not just throw on some Depends and never have to unzip this couture ensemble ever again!

Welcome to the future of comfort America—the socially isolating, absolutely absurd, but always mobile and warm future of the Forever Lazy.

Get yours now!