Hello again, boys and girls. Many moons ago in an age that can only be referred to as academic year 2009-2010, I produced an article that informed the entire world that tights and leggings are, in fact, not pants.
Now, it seems that the fashion industry has prompted an unfortunate follow up to this article. This time, dear reader, I pick up my proverbial pen and step on my proverbial soap-box to inform you that jeggings, though they often like to masquerade as pants, are also, not pants.
I know this may come as a shock to many of you. After all, they have painted on pockets and zipper flaps. They must be pants, right.
Wrong. Anything that comes in a package and must be shimmied into like a pair of pantyhose does not constitute pants. Depending on your figure, wearing something like jeggings probably isn’t doing you any favors. Believe it or not, you don’t look good in everything.
In addition to that, if you choose the wrong jeggings, people won’t have to ask what you’ll do with all that junk inside your trunk, because they’ll be able to see straight through your “pants” and find out.
I will offer up an exception to the rule. Girls so tiny that the very sight of them makes people subconsciously whip out sandwiches to feed the hungry can rock jeggings as pants all day long.
They still aren’t pants, but it’s that or shopping in the little girls’ section, and I’d rather see you in jeggings than Garanimals, so I’ll grant you that much.
Now, if the above exception does not apply to you, you’d be better off just cutting up your jeggings and using them to scrub your toilet.
With that said, if you just refuse to get rid of your pretend pants, please adhere to the following rules. They’re not just for you, but the betterment of society as a whole.
Rule #1: If it’s below 32 degrees, you should probably put some actual pants on. Unless you’re an Eskimo, wearing pants as thin as Calista Flockhart probably isn’t a good idea.
Rule #2: Just like with leggings and tights, shirts that you wear with jeggings should fall right at the bottom of your bottom. This will help hide any unsightly lines, bulges, or rolls, and will make everyone around you happier.
Rule #3: Make sure you buy the right size. We all want to wear smalls in everything, look good in those smalls, and have people gawk at us like we’re Giselle. Unfortunately, we can’t always get what we want, but if we try sometimes, and try things on, we just might find that we look somewhat decent in our clothes (Rolling Stones re